Carol snapped the lid of her laptop closed in frustration. If she read another personal ad that contained the phrase ‘On your knees, bitch!’ – well, she really thought she would scream. She was equally concerned that her own ad hadn’t received a single response.
It was very easy for her to identify what was wrong with the men’s ads but she had no idea what the problem was with her own.
She clicked her laptop open again and went back to the last ad she’d viewed. It was from an individual calling himself ‘Screw You Hard’ and his ad was titled, ‘Bare Your Arse’.
It read, “I know how to deal with difficult girls. If you know your difficult then i’m gonna make you strip, bend over cane you hard then throw you down and fuck you. Get in touch now or its gonna be worse for you.”
Carol put her head in her hands. ‘Right’ she thought, ‘how on earth does this bloke expect to get a response?’ Apart from the spelling, grammar and punctuation, or lack thereof, there was nothing about this ad that was attractive, in fact it was a complete turn off. Carol doubted many women would take the time to analyse, they’d simply move on to the next ad but she had read too many similar not to pause and consider what went through a man’s head when he committed such words to paper.
‘Screw You Hard’ had given no information about himself, no indication of age or location.
He had used ‘girl’. Was that a generic term for all females? Or did he have an unspecified age limit? The overall impression was that ‘SYH’ would beat anything that came along, the female only had to turn up, comply with the caning, the fucking and leave again. Now how many women were likely to do that? Totally impersonal and therefore a total waste of time for him! She almost wanted to send him a link to a website that explained the basic rules of the English language. But she knew he’d take that as a sign of encouragement and the last thing she wanted to do was encourage him!
Just at that moment her IM pinged and she sat back, ’Dave68’ wasn’t a name she recognised. It said ‘Good afternoon Ms Siouxsie, I’m sorry to bother you but I noticed you read my personal ad earlier today. I’ve had little response and am trying to get some feedback about why this would be. Please don’t be alarmed, I am not a stalker and if you don’t reply I will not contact you again. But any honest FB would be appreciated.’ This was followed by the link to a website that she had indeed visited earlier that day.
She didn’t really stop to consider and clicked on the link. It took her to an ad from ’Sir Dave’ and it was titled ’Compatible bottom smacking’ .
Dave seemed to be under the impression that women wanted, ‘A firm hand on your naughty bottom? Do you get away with blue murder? Are you longing for me to take you in hand? I’m a dom looking for a pretty sub who will bend to my will at my command. Contact me if you’ve been getting away with it for too long.’
Clearly, as an advert it was totally inadequate and had not provoked her to respond in any way. But at the same time, there was nothing specifically objectionable about it. Reading Dave’s IM once again, Carol began to take a little more interest. The basic grammar was all there (Carol tried to avoid being a ‘grammar snob’, but she did expect adults to have mastered the use of capital letters and full stops), it was phrased as a polite request, and it appeared Dave just needed some basic guidance in how to sell himself.
Bored with trudging through the mire of repetitive, objectionable inadequancy, Carol resolved to try to give Dave some of the assistance he had so politely requested. And who knows, she pondered, he might even have something going for him if only he was better able to put it across.
‘What do I want to see in an ad?’ she asked herself. The basics are all essential, she nodded to herself, and there needs to be something extra, something to ignite a spark. She started typing…
“Good Afternoon Dave, I don’t mind you contacting me and I’ll do my best to give you some honest FB.
First of all, your name! Do you expect to be addressed as ‘Sir’? Most subs won’t submit to just anyone and it may come across as arrogant or patronizing (or both) if you expect someone you’ve never spoken to, let alone met, to use this form of address. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying you need to think about this – it may be putting some potential playmates off.
Secondly you give no indication of where you live or if you’re prepared to travel. Are you looking for part time playmate, full time girlfriend? A lot of women won’t have wasted their time cos you could live in Aberdeen or you could be married. BTW, if you are married you should definitely say this – up front honesty is very important.
Next, you’ve used the word ‘pretty’ – pretty subjective word (no pun intended!). You’ve just alienated, oh about 90% of females, who would never describe themselves as pretty – it sounds big headed.
There is little of your personality here – are you experienced?
Having said all of that you have used some strong trigger words/phrases, things like ‘firm hand’ or ‘take you in hand’. I think most subs respond to a little provocative language. Give it another go and see what happens.”
She sent it off and shut down the laptop, she couldn’t face another depressing trawl round the internet looking for a suitable male to tan her backside.
About fifty miles away David was pleasantly surprised to see her IM arrive. He wasn’t feeling so pleasant when he’d finished reading it though. ‘Humph’ he thought ‘I wonder if she’s got quite so much to say for herself when she’s got a sore arse.’ But then he paused, he had approached her after all and she had tried to be constructive.
David’s interest was sufficiently piqued to follow her through the website to see if she had an ad on there. When he’d found and read it he sat back in his chair and laughed. It looked as if he wasn’t the only one who needed advice.
Ms Siouxsie’s read, “I require a large dominant male. I require you to discipline me when I need it. I need to be disciplined regularly and you will need to be available as and when my bad behaviour dictates. This will be two to three times per week. I live in Winchester and you should be within easy travelling distance as I may require you on a whim. You will need to be able to come to me and I can accommodate. All other requirements up for discussion.”
Had this girl never heard the phrase ‘topping from the bottom’? Dave considered the gaping holes in her advert. How old is she? What size is she? She sounds like a bullying Matron – ‘require’?!! It was both too much information for an opening, and not enough to form any sort of opinion about her preferences. As for the attitude she projected, surely she wasn’t really like that, was she? Dave compared her ad to the IM in his Inbox. He shook his head, could they really be written by the same person? It was suddenly obvious to him that they had both failed to deliver the most basic of information, and also to convey anything about their personalities. He typed out a list of what he thought would be the most important points about a person.
Screen name:
Gender:
Age:
Sub or Dom:
Relationship status:
He sat back, thinking his list covered the most important points. And now he thought that a person should say what they are looking for:
Gender:
Age range:
Sub or Dom:
Relationship sought:
Sitting back again, he studied his two lists and even though he couldn’t fault the information, it felt very impersonal. How could anyone show their personality from such a bare-bones list?
He could see that Ms Siouxsie was offline but decided to send her, what he hoped, was a vaguely humourous IM.
“Thanks for the advice Siouxsie (BTW is that a reference to The Banshees?). Have you had much response to your ad? Hmm…..be honest now? You do realise you’ve come across like Hattie Jacques in Carry On Matron?
I’ve come up with a couple of lists (see below). Let me know if you think anything needs to be added. Do you think it would be a good idea to have a box for a bit of free text where people can add a bit of ‘flavour’ to the basics?
I will have another go at my ad and send it on to you for the ‘seal of approval’ I’m also happy to have a look at yours if you want to amend in any way……”
Carol finished reading, and bristled. ‘Bloody cheek!’ She thought, ‘Just because I criticised him, he thinks he can retaliate!’ She got up and went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on, distant images of Hattie Jacques haunting her thoughts. ‘Is that how I appear to people? Can’t be. But he is right about me not getting any responses…’
Tea in hand, she went back and pulled up her own profile, using the view that other people would see, rather than her own editable window. Grudgingly, she finally had to admit that whoever-he-is had a point, even she would tell her online self to take a hike. ‘But it says what I want,’ she mused, ‘nice clear language, no room for misunderstanding.’
‘No room for a tanned backside either!’ her conscience reminded her.
